Like gardens, in order to bloom and produce, relationships require upkeep. Basic garden requirements are soil and water. Basic relationship requirements are time and attention. Many couples know these basic requirements and exercise them, yet find that their relationship is not what they wanted it to be. They talk, but nothing ever seems to change. They go through the empty motions of loving each other, but something is missing. The phrase “I love you, but I am not in love with you!” may have been thought or expressed. They wonder, “What am I missing?” or “What am I doing wrong?”. If this situation describes your relationship, read on to find the answer.
The missing attribute is courage. Although one assumes they know what ‘courage’ means, taking a closer look at this attribute yields life changing qualities. Courage is required in its many forms. The word itself is from a Latin root, cor referring to the heart. Courage also entails firmness, intrepidity, being without fear or depression of spirit, and being resolute.
In considering the origins of the word itself, the first requirement is that a person need to be true to their heart. This entails several aspects. One aspect is that the person needs to be aware of what is in their hearts. In contemporary culture, many people are so used to superficial relationships, they are unawares of what is in their hearts. Becoming aware of what is in one’s heart requires effort. Before you can have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, one needs to know what is in their own heart first. This requires knowing what you feel, think, and believe.
At the simplest, what one feels are the emotions they experience. People often react without giving any consideration as to what they felt associated with their reaction. In terms of emotions, there are at least two in any interaction. There is the emotion of what one initially felt, then there is the emotional reaction they had to the initial emotion. Becoming aware of one’s feelings requires the effort of practice. Practice is also what is required in communicating those feelings to others, especially your spouse.
The second attribute of courage is firmness. In relationships this means dependability or consistency. Your partner needs to be able to count on you. When you say something, they have to be able to believe that you will come through. In many relationships the partners say whatever it takes to get through a crisis and then do not do what they say. A friend once told his partner, “Tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it”. The sad part is that the partner did believe him. The practice of firmness brings about a sense of security. They know when you make a promise, you mean it.
Firmness is not to be confused with stubbornness or heard-headedness. Confusing the two will lead to miscommunication and conflict. One of the big differences between firmness and stubbornness is the attitude behind them. In stubbornness, there is a selfish, “I am going to do it come hell or high water” mentality. Whereas firmness is “I am going to honor what I said and not let my partner down, even if it costs me.”
The third quality is intrepidity, which means fearlessness or boldness. This is the attribute of being able to speak your mind without fear. In relationships, it means being able to speak up without fear of your spouse’s reaction or possible rejection. Marriage is the one relationship that you should be yourself in. This is not a blank check to be brazen or rash in speaking to your partner. Speaking fearlessly still requires you show respect when speaking with your partner. This kind of boldness takes time to develop to its fullest. Although it would be nice if the relationship began with boldness, they often do not. This quality develops as the relationship matures.
The next quality is that of being without depression. This assumes there is not a medical or psychiatric condition predisposing someone to depression. Assuming there is no such condition or situational circumstance, then this refers to being a source of encouragement to your partner. People do not enjoy being around someone who is negative or down all the time. When you are with your partner, try your best to be in good spirits and maintain a positive outlook. King Solomon wrote that in order to have friends a man must show himself friendly. This passage speaks to the practice of being a source of encouragement.
The final attribute of courage needed in relationships is resoluteness. This term refers to having a fixed purpose and determination. A simpler way to express this is commitment. In a relationship, your partner needs to know that you are committed to the relationship. When they know that you are committed, and will not be leaving at the first disagreement or crisis, there is a sense of emotional security. In many modern relationships, people often separate when a crisis arises. It is as if in their vows, the promise was made, ‘until crisis causes us to part’. In situations where crisis will lead to a breakdown of the relationship, people often begin keeping secrets to keep it intact. The relationship becomes tenuous, basing its stability on the parties emotional status rather than on the commitment they made to each other.
Practicing courage in a relationship will transform both the kind of intimacy occurring and the quality of the intimacy. If you are looking for what is needed to bring the relationship from loving each other to being in love with each other, courage is important in making that change happen.
Jeff Murrah
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